Sketches
Everything's A Pound
AMIR is standing behind the counter of his shop. KEVIN approaches.
KEVIN: Excuse me, could you tell me how much the rain hats are?
AMIR: One pound.
KEVIN: Right. And how much are the iPod cases.
AMIR: They are a pound as well. This is a pound shop. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Even the batteries?
AMIR: One pound.
KEVIN: The dog chews?
AMIR: A pound, sir. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Do you have anything on offer?
AMIR: Everything is on offer. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Any two for ones. Buy One Get One Free?
AMIR: No. Everything’s a pound.
KEVIN: Any old stock that you have reduced?
AMIR: Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: But what do you do with things you can’t sell?
AMIR: I don’t have that problem. Everything sells. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: What about love?
AMIR: Excuse me?
KEVIN: How much is love?
AMIR: We don’t sell love.
KEVIN: Good job. You couldn’t sell love for a pound. It’s priceless isn’t it?
AMIR: I suppose so, yes.
KEVIN: Truly priceless. You can’t put a price on it. It’s value is immeasurable but you have to give it away for free.
AMIR: Er. Quite.
KEVIN: What about death?
AMIR: Death?
KEVIN: How much is death?
AMIR: We don’t sell death. Though I will admit that the sugar content on the five litre bottles of orange squash is pretty high.
KEVIN: Like it, a joke. So what about freedom?
AMIR: Freedom?
KEVIN: Yes, how much is freedom?
AMIR: I suppose that is another thing that you cannot put a price on.
KEVIN: No. Only love is priceless. Everything else has a price.
AMIR: Well, if we sold it, it would be a pound.
KEVIN: Then why not sell it? Wouldn’t that be great?
AMIR: You could be right.
KEVIN: You know I am. What would you be doing if you didn’t have to be here?
AMIR: Well. By the sea, if I could. I always liked the sea. An apartment overlooking the ocean. I’d go for a walk along the beach every morning, then, in the afternoon, I’d write poetry or paint.
KEVIN: Sounds idyllic.
AMIR: It’s what I’ve always wanted to do.
KEVIN: Then do it. Live the dream.
AMIR takes a pound coin from the till and puts it in KEVIN’s hand.
AMIR: Here.
KEVIN: What are you doing.
AMIR: I’ve just bought you.
KEVIN: What?
AMIR: Everything in the shop is a pound. I told you that. Well, now I have bought you. You belong to me now.
KEVIN: But. What do you want me for?
AMIR pushes KEVIN behind the counter and heads for the door.
AMIR: You run the shop now. I have bought my freedom.
KEVIN: But, I have never worked in a shop. I don’t know what to do.
AMIR: You’ll pick it up in no time. Just remember one thing. Everything’s a pound.
AMIR exits. SALLY approaches.
SALLY: Excuse me. How much are the pen sets?
KEVIN: A pound madam.
SALLY: That’s cheap.
KEVIN: A bargain. Everything is a pound. Madam, have you ever thought if you could put a price on freedom. Do you know what I would be doing right now if I didn’t have to be here?
KEVIN: Excuse me, could you tell me how much the rain hats are?
AMIR: One pound.
KEVIN: Right. And how much are the iPod cases.
AMIR: They are a pound as well. This is a pound shop. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Even the batteries?
AMIR: One pound.
KEVIN: The dog chews?
AMIR: A pound, sir. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Do you have anything on offer?
AMIR: Everything is on offer. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: Any two for ones. Buy One Get One Free?
AMIR: No. Everything’s a pound.
KEVIN: Any old stock that you have reduced?
AMIR: Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: But what do you do with things you can’t sell?
AMIR: I don’t have that problem. Everything sells. Everything is a pound.
KEVIN: What about love?
AMIR: Excuse me?
KEVIN: How much is love?
AMIR: We don’t sell love.
KEVIN: Good job. You couldn’t sell love for a pound. It’s priceless isn’t it?
AMIR: I suppose so, yes.
KEVIN: Truly priceless. You can’t put a price on it. It’s value is immeasurable but you have to give it away for free.
AMIR: Er. Quite.
KEVIN: What about death?
AMIR: Death?
KEVIN: How much is death?
AMIR: We don’t sell death. Though I will admit that the sugar content on the five litre bottles of orange squash is pretty high.
KEVIN: Like it, a joke. So what about freedom?
AMIR: Freedom?
KEVIN: Yes, how much is freedom?
AMIR: I suppose that is another thing that you cannot put a price on.
KEVIN: No. Only love is priceless. Everything else has a price.
AMIR: Well, if we sold it, it would be a pound.
KEVIN: Then why not sell it? Wouldn’t that be great?
AMIR: You could be right.
KEVIN: You know I am. What would you be doing if you didn’t have to be here?
AMIR: Well. By the sea, if I could. I always liked the sea. An apartment overlooking the ocean. I’d go for a walk along the beach every morning, then, in the afternoon, I’d write poetry or paint.
KEVIN: Sounds idyllic.
AMIR: It’s what I’ve always wanted to do.
KEVIN: Then do it. Live the dream.
AMIR takes a pound coin from the till and puts it in KEVIN’s hand.
AMIR: Here.
KEVIN: What are you doing.
AMIR: I’ve just bought you.
KEVIN: What?
AMIR: Everything in the shop is a pound. I told you that. Well, now I have bought you. You belong to me now.
KEVIN: But. What do you want me for?
AMIR pushes KEVIN behind the counter and heads for the door.
AMIR: You run the shop now. I have bought my freedom.
KEVIN: But, I have never worked in a shop. I don’t know what to do.
AMIR: You’ll pick it up in no time. Just remember one thing. Everything’s a pound.
AMIR exits. SALLY approaches.
SALLY: Excuse me. How much are the pen sets?
KEVIN: A pound madam.
SALLY: That’s cheap.
KEVIN: A bargain. Everything is a pound. Madam, have you ever thought if you could put a price on freedom. Do you know what I would be doing right now if I didn’t have to be here?
Onsen – Bilingual Version
This play is bilingual: the English text on its own should make sense, as should the Japanese, but reading in both languages makes it complete.
An Onsen. Yukihiro is in the water. Mike is about to enter. He is wearing swimming trunks.
とある温泉にて。幸博がお湯に浸かっている。マイクが湯船に入ろうとする。マイクは水着を着ている。
YUKIHIRO: 水着脱いで、先にシャワーを浴びてくださいよ。
MIKE: It’s OK. I know it’s gonna be hot. I got warned. (He jumps in)
YUKIHIRO: おいおい!
MIKE: Jesus. How do you guys stand this?
YUKIHIRO: 不躾なヤツだな。注意の掲示を読まなかったのか？
MIKE: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’ll get used to it.
YUKIHIRO: 英語でもドイツ語でもフランス語でも注意が書いてある。読んだはず。
MIKE: It’s OK if you keep still isn’t it?
YUKIHIRO: これじゃ俺の方が湯船から出たらシャワー浴びないといけなくなったわ。
MIKE: I do like to immerse myself in the local traditions when I’m on holiday (very loudly) Ha! Immerse, get it?
YUKIHIRO: 大声でしゃべるなよ。ルールを守れ。
MIKE: Immerse. It’s a joke. Oh never mind.
YUKIHIRO: 俺が寛容な人間でお前助かってるぞ。人によっちゃもう殴られているところだ。
MIKE: My God. You guys have got to learn to lighten up.
YUKIHIRO: なぜルールが守れないんだ？理解できないのか、それとも他人のことなど知ったこっちゃないのか？
MIKE: What’s the matter with you? I know this bathing business is part of your culture but you can still have a laugh can’t you?
YUKIHIRO: 傲慢だな。世界中が西洋人と同じように振る舞うべきとでも思ってるのか。
MIKE: Jesus. You try to be friendly and they just turn on you.
YUKIHIRO: こう言う場所は、お前らみたいなのは利用禁止にすべきだな。
MIKE: Look. There’s a lot of history between our nations, right? Don’t get me started.
YUKIHIRO: まったく、これだから外人観光客は！自分の国の顔に泥塗ってるぞ。
MIKE: Listen. Who do you think you are speaking to? Barking orders at me! What makes you think you have the right?
YUKIHIRO: もう我慢できない。俺はリラックスするためにここへ来たんだ。
MIKE: To think that I came in here for a break.
YUKIHIRO: もうたくさんだ！（湯船から出る）
Yukihiro gets out of the bath
MIKE: Oh Christ. You’re not even wearing trunks.
YUKIHIRO: どうせ宿は汚れた湯を変えなきゃならない。せいぜい自分だけ楽しんでろ（ボディーシャンプーをマイクに投げつける）
Yukihiro throws Mike a bottle of soap
MIKE: Ah, that’s more like it. Cheers. (He lathers his underarms)
An Onsen. Yukihiro is in the water. Mike is about to enter. He is wearing swimming trunks.
とある温泉にて。幸博がお湯に浸かっている。マイクが湯船に入ろうとする。マイクは水着を着ている。
YUKIHIRO: 水着脱いで、先にシャワーを浴びてくださいよ。
MIKE: It’s OK. I know it’s gonna be hot. I got warned. (He jumps in)
YUKIHIRO: おいおい!
MIKE: Jesus. How do you guys stand this?
YUKIHIRO: 不躾なヤツだな。注意の掲示を読まなかったのか？
MIKE: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’ll get used to it.
YUKIHIRO: 英語でもドイツ語でもフランス語でも注意が書いてある。読んだはず。
MIKE: It’s OK if you keep still isn’t it?
YUKIHIRO: これじゃ俺の方が湯船から出たらシャワー浴びないといけなくなったわ。
MIKE: I do like to immerse myself in the local traditions when I’m on holiday (very loudly) Ha! Immerse, get it?
YUKIHIRO: 大声でしゃべるなよ。ルールを守れ。
MIKE: Immerse. It’s a joke. Oh never mind.
YUKIHIRO: 俺が寛容な人間でお前助かってるぞ。人によっちゃもう殴られているところだ。
MIKE: My God. You guys have got to learn to lighten up.
YUKIHIRO: なぜルールが守れないんだ？理解できないのか、それとも他人のことなど知ったこっちゃないのか？
MIKE: What’s the matter with you? I know this bathing business is part of your culture but you can still have a laugh can’t you?
YUKIHIRO: 傲慢だな。世界中が西洋人と同じように振る舞うべきとでも思ってるのか。
MIKE: Jesus. You try to be friendly and they just turn on you.
YUKIHIRO: こう言う場所は、お前らみたいなのは利用禁止にすべきだな。
MIKE: Look. There’s a lot of history between our nations, right? Don’t get me started.
YUKIHIRO: まったく、これだから外人観光客は！自分の国の顔に泥塗ってるぞ。
MIKE: Listen. Who do you think you are speaking to? Barking orders at me! What makes you think you have the right?
YUKIHIRO: もう我慢できない。俺はリラックスするためにここへ来たんだ。
MIKE: To think that I came in here for a break.
YUKIHIRO: もうたくさんだ！（湯船から出る）
Yukihiro gets out of the bath
MIKE: Oh Christ. You’re not even wearing trunks.
YUKIHIRO: どうせ宿は汚れた湯を変えなきゃならない。せいぜい自分だけ楽しんでろ（ボディーシャンプーをマイクに投げつける）
Yukihiro throws Mike a bottle of soap
MIKE: Ah, that’s more like it. Cheers. (He lathers his underarms)
Spill Chucker
BILL, a newspaper editor is interviewing for a trainee journalist. SPILL CHUCKER enters.
BILL: Ah, sit down Mr Chucker.
SPILL CHUCKER: Thank young.
BILL: As I am sure you are aware, this is a very exciting position that we are offering.
SPILL CHUCKER: Oh Yes. Note often you see jocks like this coming up.
BILL: True. There’s not many newspapers taking on trainee journalists these days.
SPILL CHUCKER: I’m very grapefruit to have the opportunity.
BILL: So, perhaps you could tell me what makes you think that you would make a good journalist.
SPILL CHUCKER: Well, I have a very inquiring mink.
BILL: An inquiring mink?
SPILL CHUCKER: Yes, I question everything. I don’t take things for graduated.
BILL: Pardon me for bringing this up, I thought I was mis-hearing you at first, but I’m finding your language somewhat, er, unusual.
SPILL CHUCKER: Uninsurable?
BILL: Yes. The words don’t seem right.
SPILL CHUCKER: I’m spilling everything perfectly.
BILL: You’re spilling them?
SPILL CHUCKER: Yes. Everything is spilt correctly.
BILL: Spilt? Oh, spelt! Yes, but writing isn’t just about spelling.
SPILL CHUCKER: Doesn’t a journalist need to be able to spill?
BILL: Of course, but he needs to use the correct words as well.
SPILL CHUCKER: What do you mean the corset wards?
BILL: You’re not making any sense.
SPILL CHUCKER: Really? In that case you can stiff your jock. I didn’t come here to be insulated. I wouldn’t wok for you if you bugged me. Go fork yourself you stick up banker.
BILL: Hold on. We might have an opening for you in the arts section.
BILL: Ah, sit down Mr Chucker.
SPILL CHUCKER: Thank young.
BILL: As I am sure you are aware, this is a very exciting position that we are offering.
SPILL CHUCKER: Oh Yes. Note often you see jocks like this coming up.
BILL: True. There’s not many newspapers taking on trainee journalists these days.
SPILL CHUCKER: I’m very grapefruit to have the opportunity.
BILL: So, perhaps you could tell me what makes you think that you would make a good journalist.
SPILL CHUCKER: Well, I have a very inquiring mink.
BILL: An inquiring mink?
SPILL CHUCKER: Yes, I question everything. I don’t take things for graduated.
BILL: Pardon me for bringing this up, I thought I was mis-hearing you at first, but I’m finding your language somewhat, er, unusual.
SPILL CHUCKER: Uninsurable?
BILL: Yes. The words don’t seem right.
SPILL CHUCKER: I’m spilling everything perfectly.
BILL: You’re spilling them?
SPILL CHUCKER: Yes. Everything is spilt correctly.
BILL: Spilt? Oh, spelt! Yes, but writing isn’t just about spelling.
SPILL CHUCKER: Doesn’t a journalist need to be able to spill?
BILL: Of course, but he needs to use the correct words as well.
SPILL CHUCKER: What do you mean the corset wards?
BILL: You’re not making any sense.
SPILL CHUCKER: Really? In that case you can stiff your jock. I didn’t come here to be insulated. I wouldn’t wok for you if you bugged me. Go fork yourself you stick up banker.
BILL: Hold on. We might have an opening for you in the arts section.
Superstarmart
Jon Anderson, the former singer of progressive rock group Yes, now works on the checkouts of a supermarket. A customer approaches and puts her shopping on the conveyor belt for Jon to scan.
JON: (Scanning a tin of baked beans.) Legumes of the Haricot style.
CUSTOMER: Er, yes.
JON: Pause to stay a while. To be joined in eternity by the bread of life. (He scans a loaf.)
CUSTOMER: Yes, I am in a bit of a hurry actually so…
JON: They rush to their lairs, their lovers to deceive.
CUSTOMER: I beg your pardon!
JON: Soya. Not meat, as they’d have them believe. (He scans some soya mince.)
CUSTOMER:Do you think you could scan the items without making up rhymes about them? I don’t want to be here all day.
JON: She fears the sunset. It reflects in her eyes. Rivers run down her face, mountains come out of skies. (He has given up on the scanning now.)
CUSTOMER: Oh, this is ridiculous!
JON: Her impatience her fatal flaw. The eagle swoops to the shore.
CUSTOMER: Will you just get on with it. I have a pair of shoes I have to return to Emerson, Lake and Palmer before they close.
JON: Her temper is not abated, She expects to be waited.
CUSTOMER: Waited! That’s not even a word. I’ve had enough of this. (She puts the things back in her basket and moves to the next checkout where she is served by Johnny Rotten.)
JOHNNY: Tin of baked beans. The fascist regime. It made you a moron, a potential flatulence bomb.
CUSTOMER: (To camera.) From now on I’ll stick to buying my groceries from Bananarama.
JON: (Scanning a tin of baked beans.) Legumes of the Haricot style.
CUSTOMER: Er, yes.
JON: Pause to stay a while. To be joined in eternity by the bread of life. (He scans a loaf.)
CUSTOMER: Yes, I am in a bit of a hurry actually so…
JON: They rush to their lairs, their lovers to deceive.
CUSTOMER: I beg your pardon!
JON: Soya. Not meat, as they’d have them believe. (He scans some soya mince.)
CUSTOMER:Do you think you could scan the items without making up rhymes about them? I don’t want to be here all day.
JON: She fears the sunset. It reflects in her eyes. Rivers run down her face, mountains come out of skies. (He has given up on the scanning now.)
CUSTOMER: Oh, this is ridiculous!
JON: Her impatience her fatal flaw. The eagle swoops to the shore.
CUSTOMER: Will you just get on with it. I have a pair of shoes I have to return to Emerson, Lake and Palmer before they close.
JON: Her temper is not abated, She expects to be waited.
CUSTOMER: Waited! That’s not even a word. I’ve had enough of this. (She puts the things back in her basket and moves to the next checkout where she is served by Johnny Rotten.)
JOHNNY: Tin of baked beans. The fascist regime. It made you a moron, a potential flatulence bomb.
CUSTOMER: (To camera.) From now on I’ll stick to buying my groceries from Bananarama.
If You’ll Just Let Me…
THE JUDGES ASSEMBLE TO JUDGE THE ENTRIES IN A PLAY WRITING CONTEST. JOHN IS SEATED AT THE TABLE. LEWIS ENTERS
JOHN Oh hi. Its er…
LEWIS That’s right. Have we had many…
JOHN I don’t know. I know there’s been a few but I think that Monica is…
MONICA ENTERS
MONICA Hi Guys. Have you two…
JOHN Oh yes. We saw each other in Helsinki. Wasn’t it the…
LEWIS The Craft awards yes. Lets hope this is not so controversial. I don’t think I could stand another…
MONICA Why what happened? I do like a good…
JOHN Oh nothing so exciting Monica. Just a bit of controversy over the winner. It got blown all of all…
LEWIS A bit of controversy. I thinks that’s putting it…
JOHN Well it was all a stunt if you ask me. How could you announce a winner who is…
CAROL ENTERS
CAROL Hi guys. Sorry I’m late. I got a bit…
MONICA The boys have just been filling me in about Helsinki. Come on John. I want to hear all the…
CAROL So that’s what you’ve been up to. Talking about me behind my…
JOHN No Carol. I didn’t mean to…
CAROL It’s all forgotten you said. Let’s move on you said. Then I walk in here and…
JOHN Carol, you’ve got it all
MONICA Would someone mind telling me…
LEWIS I’ll tell you Monica. It was a put up job. It was a…
CAROL How dare you. You know very well that…
LEWIS Oh I know what you say. Trying to make out that butter wouldn’t melt in…
JOHN Lewis stop it. There is no need to start making nasty accusations when we don’t know the full…
MONICA Will someone, for God’s sake…
JOHN The winner turned out to be Carol’s brother. But there was no way it could be fixed. All the entries were anonymous. Carol wouldn’t have known…
CAROL Exactly. I just wish Lewis here would accept that so that we can…
LEWIS Oh. I’ll accept it. But there is one condition. One thing that you must…
CAROL Go on then. Name it if you are so determined to..
LEWIS Your brother must return the prize. Keep the title but lose the…
CAROL Not the Sauna! He loves it. He uses it every single…
LEWIS I don’t see why he’s so attached to it. It’s not as if he’s…
ALL Finnish!
JOHN Oh hi. Its er…
LEWIS That’s right. Have we had many…
JOHN I don’t know. I know there’s been a few but I think that Monica is…
MONICA ENTERS
MONICA Hi Guys. Have you two…
JOHN Oh yes. We saw each other in Helsinki. Wasn’t it the…
LEWIS The Craft awards yes. Lets hope this is not so controversial. I don’t think I could stand another…
MONICA Why what happened? I do like a good…
JOHN Oh nothing so exciting Monica. Just a bit of controversy over the winner. It got blown all of all…
LEWIS A bit of controversy. I thinks that’s putting it…
JOHN Well it was all a stunt if you ask me. How could you announce a winner who is…
CAROL ENTERS
CAROL Hi guys. Sorry I’m late. I got a bit…
MONICA The boys have just been filling me in about Helsinki. Come on John. I want to hear all the…
CAROL So that’s what you’ve been up to. Talking about me behind my…
JOHN No Carol. I didn’t mean to…
CAROL It’s all forgotten you said. Let’s move on you said. Then I walk in here and…
JOHN Carol, you’ve got it all
MONICA Would someone mind telling me…
LEWIS I’ll tell you Monica. It was a put up job. It was a…
CAROL How dare you. You know very well that…
LEWIS Oh I know what you say. Trying to make out that butter wouldn’t melt in…
JOHN Lewis stop it. There is no need to start making nasty accusations when we don’t know the full…
MONICA Will someone, for God’s sake…
JOHN The winner turned out to be Carol’s brother. But there was no way it could be fixed. All the entries were anonymous. Carol wouldn’t have known…
CAROL Exactly. I just wish Lewis here would accept that so that we can…
LEWIS Oh. I’ll accept it. But there is one condition. One thing that you must…
CAROL Go on then. Name it if you are so determined to..
LEWIS Your brother must return the prize. Keep the title but lose the…
CAROL Not the Sauna! He loves it. He uses it every single…
LEWIS I don’t see why he’s so attached to it. It’s not as if he’s…
ALL Finnish!
Many A Slip
ANDY, GRAEME and PETER are England cricketers fielding in the slips. ANDY is younger than the other two. They are crouched down in preparation for a ball being bowled. After a moment they all stand.
GRAEME: So, where did you get to last night then?
ANDY: Me? Just back to the hotel.
GRAEME: Yeah, right.
ANDY: What’s wrong with that?
GRAEME: Hardly fits your rep does it.
ANDY: What rep?
GRAEME: Randy Andy, the EsSEX maniac. The County Champion.
ANDY: That’s all rubbish. The papers make it up.
GRAEME: Oh yeah? So how come the headline in today’s Sun is ‘I’m addicted to love’ says England’s new cricket star.
ANDY: Like I say, they just make it up. Besides, the selectors made it quite clear that if there was any monkey business I’d be on the first plane home.
GRAEME: Yeah. So there is something in it then. There’s no smoke without fire.
ANDY: Shouldn’t you be sledging the batsman rather than me?
GRAEME: All right mate. I believe you. You were tucked up in bed by 9 o’clock.
ANDY: That’s right. And I was back in my own room by midnight.
The three of them crouch down as another ball is delivered. They then stand.
GRAEME: I thought you were having us on. Who was it then? Not that barmaid?
ANDY: It would be ungallant of me to reveal the lady’s identity.
GRAEME: Ooh. What a gent!
ANDY: Besides. I don’t want to give myself any competition.
GRAEME: Not much chance of that. Me and Peter are both here with our wives arn’t we Peter?
PETER: Yeah.
ANDY: Is he always so quiet?
GRAEME: No. What’s up Pete?
PETER: I don’t want to talk about it.
The crouching business is repeated.
GRAEME: Come on mate. We’re all here for each other.
PETER: Is that so?
GRAEME: If you’ve got something on you mind mate…
PETER: Perhaps you had better ask Andy here.
GRAEME: Andy?
PETER: Yeah. Our cocky new team mate. Cocky being the operative word.
GRAEME: What are you talking about Peter?
PETER: When we retired to the bar last night, and he went off. Ask him who’s room it was that he went to.
GRAEME: Eh?
PETER: You will have noticed that my wife didn’t join us in the bar.
Suddenly ANDY and PETER dive towards each other as though to catch a ball that passes between them. They miss it. They stand again.
PETER: Hell!
ANDY: Concentrate. Christ!
GRAEME: You put each other off then. Both going for it.
PETER: How apt.
GRAEME: I think it was Pete’s really Andy. Truth be told.
PETER: Well. He can’t keep his hands off can he?
ANDY: Look Peter. I’m sorry about the catch but I don’t know anything about your missus last night. Believe me.
GRAEME: Pete. Have you got any evidence?
PETER: Sandra said she’d got a headache. She never gets a headache.
GRAEME: That’s it? That’s you’re evidence.
PETER: Well, with his reputation what do you expect?
The crouching business is repeated.
ANDY: Look. This is ridiculous. You’ll believe anything. What if I was to tell you I was gay?
PETER: Eh?
ANDY: All this womanising business is just a smokescreen. I don’t want to be known as England’s first gay cricketer.
PETER: Oh, come on. This is the 2020s. Nobody is bothered…
ANDY: Yeah, well. I’m not gay. But you believed me didn’t you? So gullible!
GRAEME: Er. Yeah. Pete mate; I think you went a bit over the top.
There is a beat.
PETER: Yeah. OK. I’m just a bit wound up you know. I might not last the tour if I don’t find some form. Sorry Andy, I was just being stupid.
ANDY: It’s all right Pete. And don’t worry about the tour, you’ll be fine. You’re a legend. My hero!
PETER: Really? Cheers mate!
GRAEME: And you’ve no worries about Sandra, Pete. You should know she has your name tattooed on her heart.
PETER: Yeah. You’re right.
They crouch.
UMPIRE: (Off.) Over.
ANDY: Except Sandra hasn’t got any tattoos.
They exit.
GRAEME: So, where did you get to last night then?
ANDY: Me? Just back to the hotel.
GRAEME: Yeah, right.
ANDY: What’s wrong with that?
GRAEME: Hardly fits your rep does it.
ANDY: What rep?
GRAEME: Randy Andy, the EsSEX maniac. The County Champion.
ANDY: That’s all rubbish. The papers make it up.
GRAEME: Oh yeah? So how come the headline in today’s Sun is ‘I’m addicted to love’ says England’s new cricket star.
ANDY: Like I say, they just make it up. Besides, the selectors made it quite clear that if there was any monkey business I’d be on the first plane home.
GRAEME: Yeah. So there is something in it then. There’s no smoke without fire.
ANDY: Shouldn’t you be sledging the batsman rather than me?
GRAEME: All right mate. I believe you. You were tucked up in bed by 9 o’clock.
ANDY: That’s right. And I was back in my own room by midnight.
The three of them crouch down as another ball is delivered. They then stand.
GRAEME: I thought you were having us on. Who was it then? Not that barmaid?
ANDY: It would be ungallant of me to reveal the lady’s identity.
GRAEME: Ooh. What a gent!
ANDY: Besides. I don’t want to give myself any competition.
GRAEME: Not much chance of that. Me and Peter are both here with our wives arn’t we Peter?
PETER: Yeah.
ANDY: Is he always so quiet?
GRAEME: No. What’s up Pete?
PETER: I don’t want to talk about it.
The crouching business is repeated.
GRAEME: Come on mate. We’re all here for each other.
PETER: Is that so?
GRAEME: If you’ve got something on you mind mate…
PETER: Perhaps you had better ask Andy here.
GRAEME: Andy?
PETER: Yeah. Our cocky new team mate. Cocky being the operative word.
GRAEME: What are you talking about Peter?
PETER: When we retired to the bar last night, and he went off. Ask him who’s room it was that he went to.
GRAEME: Eh?
PETER: You will have noticed that my wife didn’t join us in the bar.
Suddenly ANDY and PETER dive towards each other as though to catch a ball that passes between them. They miss it. They stand again.
PETER: Hell!
ANDY: Concentrate. Christ!
GRAEME: You put each other off then. Both going for it.
PETER: How apt.
GRAEME: I think it was Pete’s really Andy. Truth be told.
PETER: Well. He can’t keep his hands off can he?
ANDY: Look Peter. I’m sorry about the catch but I don’t know anything about your missus last night. Believe me.
GRAEME: Pete. Have you got any evidence?
PETER: Sandra said she’d got a headache. She never gets a headache.
GRAEME: That’s it? That’s you’re evidence.
PETER: Well, with his reputation what do you expect?
The crouching business is repeated.
ANDY: Look. This is ridiculous. You’ll believe anything. What if I was to tell you I was gay?
PETER: Eh?
ANDY: All this womanising business is just a smokescreen. I don’t want to be known as England’s first gay cricketer.
PETER: Oh, come on. This is the 2020s. Nobody is bothered…
ANDY: Yeah, well. I’m not gay. But you believed me didn’t you? So gullible!
GRAEME: Er. Yeah. Pete mate; I think you went a bit over the top.
There is a beat.
PETER: Yeah. OK. I’m just a bit wound up you know. I might not last the tour if I don’t find some form. Sorry Andy, I was just being stupid.
ANDY: It’s all right Pete. And don’t worry about the tour, you’ll be fine. You’re a legend. My hero!
PETER: Really? Cheers mate!
GRAEME: And you’ve no worries about Sandra, Pete. You should know she has your name tattooed on her heart.
PETER: Yeah. You’re right.
They crouch.
UMPIRE: (Off.) Over.
ANDY: Except Sandra hasn’t got any tattoos.
They exit.
Spambot
Spambot
MIKE, PENNY and SPAMBOT are sitting at a table in a cafe
MIKE Really, um, Penny. You’re not suggesting that we should just do away with Christmas all together?
PENNY But it is so commercialised. Just look at this place, heaving with shoppers desperate to spend their money.
MIKE And we have had to share a table. So it’s not all bad.
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PENNY Smooth talker, arn’t you? I’m just saying Why can’t we get back to the true meaning of Christmas?
MIKE Which is?
PENNY Just getting together with your family. Spending time together.
MIKE Phew. For a moment there I thought you were going to mention Jesus or something.
PENNY Well, the religious aspect is important to some people, but not others. I think people are entitled to celebrate Christmas whatever they believe. I take it that you are not into all that then Mike.
MIKE Not really. I usually spend Christmas with my parents and I go to Midnight Mass with them on Christmas Eve but even for them I think it’s more habit than anything else.
PENNY Well, there you. You spend Christmas with your family, that is my point.
MIKE I suppose.
PENNY It’s just not all about spending money and buying presents.
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MIKE So what are all those bags then?
PENNY Well, buying presents is part of it but not the be all and end all.
MIKE So, you will be spending Christmas with your family?
PENNY I’m going round for my dinner, yes. Someone has to keep an eye on Dad. Watch he doesn’t have too many mince pies.
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MIKE And after dinner?
PENNY Full bellies and the Queen’s speech if past years are anything to go buy.
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MIKE It will be the same at my house I suppose. Dad complaining that there is nothing on telly and Mum saying ‘come and help me with the washing up then.’ It’s the same every year.
PENNY Why don’t you help with the washing up?
MIKE Don’t you start!
PENNY It’s nice you still go round though. that is the point that I’m making.
MIKE Well I guess my family is important to me.
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MIKE Eh?
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MIKE I said important, not impotent!
PENNY Oh well, I suppose I’d better be getting along. Nice meeting you Mike.
MIKE Here, (handing over a scrap of paper) my mobile number, in case you, um, fancy meeting up again
PENNY Oh! Thanks. Yes, I’ll give you a call some time. Well, bye Mike, bye, er. I’m sorry I didn’t catch your friend’s name.
MIKE I thought he was with you.
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MIKE, PENNY and SPAMBOT are sitting at a table in a cafe
MIKE Really, um, Penny. You’re not suggesting that we should just do away with Christmas all together?
PENNY But it is so commercialised. Just look at this place, heaving with shoppers desperate to spend their money.
MIKE And we have had to share a table. So it’s not all bad.
SPAMBOT Designer furniture at discount prices at tablesandchairs.com
PENNY Smooth talker, arn’t you? I’m just saying Why can’t we get back to the true meaning of Christmas?
MIKE Which is?
PENNY Just getting together with your family. Spending time together.
MIKE Phew. For a moment there I thought you were going to mention Jesus or something.
PENNY Well, the religious aspect is important to some people, but not others. I think people are entitled to celebrate Christmas whatever they believe. I take it that you are not into all that then Mike.
MIKE Not really. I usually spend Christmas with my parents and I go to Midnight Mass with them on Christmas Eve but even for them I think it’s more habit than anything else.
PENNY Well, there you. You spend Christmas with your family, that is my point.
MIKE I suppose.
PENNY It’s just not all about spending money and buying presents.
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MIKE So what are all those bags then?
PENNY Well, buying presents is part of it but not the be all and end all.
MIKE So, you will be spending Christmas with your family?
PENNY I’m going round for my dinner, yes. Someone has to keep an eye on Dad. Watch he doesn’t have too many mince pies.
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MIKE And after dinner?
PENNY Full bellies and the Queen’s speech if past years are anything to go buy.
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MIKE It will be the same at my house I suppose. Dad complaining that there is nothing on telly and Mum saying ‘come and help me with the washing up then.’ It’s the same every year.
PENNY Why don’t you help with the washing up?
MIKE Don’t you start!
PENNY It’s nice you still go round though. that is the point that I’m making.
MIKE Well I guess my family is important to me.
SPAMBOT Stay harder, longer.
MIKE Eh?
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MIKE I said important, not impotent!
PENNY Oh well, I suppose I’d better be getting along. Nice meeting you Mike.
MIKE Here, (handing over a scrap of paper) my mobile number, in case you, um, fancy meeting up again
PENNY Oh! Thanks. Yes, I’ll give you a call some time. Well, bye Mike, bye, er. I’m sorry I didn’t catch your friend’s name.
MIKE I thought he was with you.
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The Girl in the Bubble
JOHN (Taking out his ipod earphones) Ester Rantzen wasn’t it.
MIKE Who?
JOHN The girl in the bubble.
MIKE Ester Rantzen was the girl in the bubble?
JOHN No. She brought her to the public attention. On that show of hers.
MIKE What have you been listening to?
JOHN The Divine Comedy.
MIKE I really can’t keep track of this conversation.
JOHN They’re a group. They were just singing ‘Do you remember the girl in the bubble’
MIKE And you do.
JOHN Yes.
MIKE Congratulations.
JOHN She was allergic to everything.
MIKE Ah.
JOHN You must have heard about her.
MIKE No.
JOHN It was in all the papers.
MIKE And on Ester Rantzen’s show.
JOHN Yes. If she got a whiff of anything, or if she ate something she shouldn’t, it would make her ill.
MIKE (Deliberately) Ester Rantzen?
JOHN No, the girl in the bubble you idiot. She had to live in sensory denial. No smell, no taste. She just existed inside her bubble.
MIKE Not much of a life then.
JOHN Tragic it was. Really tragic. The whole nation felt for her.
MIKE So what happened to her?
JOHN I’ve no idea. (He puts his earphones back in.)
MIKE Who?
JOHN The girl in the bubble.
MIKE Ester Rantzen was the girl in the bubble?
JOHN No. She brought her to the public attention. On that show of hers.
MIKE What have you been listening to?
JOHN The Divine Comedy.
MIKE I really can’t keep track of this conversation.
JOHN They’re a group. They were just singing ‘Do you remember the girl in the bubble’
MIKE And you do.
JOHN Yes.
MIKE Congratulations.
JOHN She was allergic to everything.
MIKE Ah.
JOHN You must have heard about her.
MIKE No.
JOHN It was in all the papers.
MIKE And on Ester Rantzen’s show.
JOHN Yes. If she got a whiff of anything, or if she ate something she shouldn’t, it would make her ill.
MIKE (Deliberately) Ester Rantzen?
JOHN No, the girl in the bubble you idiot. She had to live in sensory denial. No smell, no taste. She just existed inside her bubble.
MIKE Not much of a life then.
JOHN Tragic it was. Really tragic. The whole nation felt for her.
MIKE So what happened to her?
JOHN I’ve no idea. (He puts his earphones back in.)
Cracked Ribs
A SITTING ROOM
MARY Oh, you are such a baby.
DAVID No, I’m not a baby. I’m a forty nine year old man who is in some pain.
MARY Pain? What do men know about pain? You should try childbirth before you talk about pain.
DAVID And what exactly do you know about childbirth? Or have I missed something?
MARY That’s not the point.
DAVID The point is I have cracked several ribs and it hurts. It hurts considerably. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world. I know that there are things that are more painful. In fact I am thinking of doing some of them to you right now!
MARY So does this mean that you are going to be neglecting your husbandly duties for a while?
DAVID And what might they be?
MARY Oh, cutting the grass, changing light bulbs, putting out rubbish, that sort of thing.
DAVID I thought that was what you meant. I think I had better take things easy for a while.
MARY (With sincerity) Does it really hurt?
DAVID Only when I laugh. You’re not planning to get your hair done in the next couple of weeks are you?
MARY How you managed to trip over that step is beyond me.
DAVID It could happen to anyone.
MARY No, I can’t imagine it happening to anyone. I can imagine it happening to you. I mean, how long have we lived here?
DAVID I don’t know. Twenty years?
MARY And that step has been here the whole time. It didn’t appear overnight? How come you choose to trip over it now?
DAVID I didn’t choose it. It chose me. Look, (gently) I know that you hate me with every fibre of your being but couldn’t you at least pretend to be sympathetic?
MARY All right. I’ll be a good little wife. I’ll mop your furrowed brow, bring you cups of tea, I’ll even cook you my famous stew.
DAVID Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
MARY No honestly. We all deserve to take it easy once in a while. You just sit there and watch the football on the TV. I’ll even go out and get you some beer. How about that?
DAVID Well, blow me, love is not dead!
MARY Put your feet up. I won’t be long. Anything else you want?
DAVID Crisps, nuts, chocolate?
MARY OK. See you soon
Mary exits
MARY (Off) Oh Christ!
DAVID Mary? Mary are you OK? Mary!
MARY Oh, you are such a baby.
DAVID No, I’m not a baby. I’m a forty nine year old man who is in some pain.
MARY Pain? What do men know about pain? You should try childbirth before you talk about pain.
DAVID And what exactly do you know about childbirth? Or have I missed something?
MARY That’s not the point.
DAVID The point is I have cracked several ribs and it hurts. It hurts considerably. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world. I know that there are things that are more painful. In fact I am thinking of doing some of them to you right now!
MARY So does this mean that you are going to be neglecting your husbandly duties for a while?
DAVID And what might they be?
MARY Oh, cutting the grass, changing light bulbs, putting out rubbish, that sort of thing.
DAVID I thought that was what you meant. I think I had better take things easy for a while.
MARY (With sincerity) Does it really hurt?
DAVID Only when I laugh. You’re not planning to get your hair done in the next couple of weeks are you?
MARY How you managed to trip over that step is beyond me.
DAVID It could happen to anyone.
MARY No, I can’t imagine it happening to anyone. I can imagine it happening to you. I mean, how long have we lived here?
DAVID I don’t know. Twenty years?
MARY And that step has been here the whole time. It didn’t appear overnight? How come you choose to trip over it now?
DAVID I didn’t choose it. It chose me. Look, (gently) I know that you hate me with every fibre of your being but couldn’t you at least pretend to be sympathetic?
MARY All right. I’ll be a good little wife. I’ll mop your furrowed brow, bring you cups of tea, I’ll even cook you my famous stew.
DAVID Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
MARY No honestly. We all deserve to take it easy once in a while. You just sit there and watch the football on the TV. I’ll even go out and get you some beer. How about that?
DAVID Well, blow me, love is not dead!
MARY Put your feet up. I won’t be long. Anything else you want?
DAVID Crisps, nuts, chocolate?
MARY OK. See you soon
Mary exits
MARY (Off) Oh Christ!
DAVID Mary? Mary are you OK? Mary!
The Breakdown
Salesman: (As a man approaches) Are you a member sir?
Driver: A member of what?
Salesman: A member of the Automobile Organisation sir. Do you have car breakdown cover?
Driver: My car is a highly crafted piece of engineering. It is a thing of beauty. A masterpiece of design. An ambassador for the progress that mankind has made since the invention of the wheel. The embodiment of science as an art form. This is not some piece of boring junk produced on an assembly line in the far east. Each part is precision made by the country’s finest mechanical engineers then lovingly put together with the emphasis on craftsmanship rather than speed and profit.
Salesman: Break down a lot does it?
Driver: All the time.
Salesman: Then you would be interested in our fully comprehensive package. You will never be stranded again.
Driver: I can’t have your lot jumping in the with your monkey wrenches and lump hammers. Any repairs must be carried out back at the factory by their um…
Salesman: Idiots?
Driver: No.
Salesman: Charlatans?
Driver: No.
Salesman: Mindless imbeciles?
Driver: Skilled technicians.
Salesman: And how do you get it to the factory sir? Perhaps you would be interested in our relay only service. Guaranteed to have someone with you in an hour. Pop your car onto our trailer and we’ll take you wherever you want to go.
Driver: The factory send a man out.
Salesman: Within an hour.
Driver: Within a month.
Salesman: So there is nothing I can do for you?
Driver: There is one thing.
Salesman: Name it!
Driver: You couldn’t lend me some money for a taxi could you?
Driver: A member of what?
Salesman: A member of the Automobile Organisation sir. Do you have car breakdown cover?
Driver: My car is a highly crafted piece of engineering. It is a thing of beauty. A masterpiece of design. An ambassador for the progress that mankind has made since the invention of the wheel. The embodiment of science as an art form. This is not some piece of boring junk produced on an assembly line in the far east. Each part is precision made by the country’s finest mechanical engineers then lovingly put together with the emphasis on craftsmanship rather than speed and profit.
Salesman: Break down a lot does it?
Driver: All the time.
Salesman: Then you would be interested in our fully comprehensive package. You will never be stranded again.
Driver: I can’t have your lot jumping in the with your monkey wrenches and lump hammers. Any repairs must be carried out back at the factory by their um…
Salesman: Idiots?
Driver: No.
Salesman: Charlatans?
Driver: No.
Salesman: Mindless imbeciles?
Driver: Skilled technicians.
Salesman: And how do you get it to the factory sir? Perhaps you would be interested in our relay only service. Guaranteed to have someone with you in an hour. Pop your car onto our trailer and we’ll take you wherever you want to go.
Driver: The factory send a man out.
Salesman: Within an hour.
Driver: Within a month.
Salesman: So there is nothing I can do for you?
Driver: There is one thing.
Salesman: Name it!
Driver: You couldn’t lend me some money for a taxi could you?
